BFF Candidate "DIANE" From the Great State of Illinois

REVIEW: I put an ad in the personals for a BFF. Here's the response from "Diane" in Illinois. (There are a lot of funny women in Illinois!!!) To see the original ad, check out the May blog entry entitled "MoGilly Posts an Ad in the Personals."

"DIANE'S" EMAIL TO ME:
Hey Molly!
My name is Diane and I am the mother of four. Two of them are wonderful and the jury is still out on the other two. I am married to no one, and never have been, but I still have a bad attitude about marriage. I don't own a nice house, can't afford it at this juncture (that's what I attribute my bad attitude about men to). I would like one though. No pets other than my kids. I too drive a minivan. I have become everything I pitied in my 20's. Still, I swim in discontent as well. I, however am not one to waste my time in a pool. What the hell! I have jumped with both feet into that ocean. I would like to reassure you that you don't need to have it all to wake each morning irritated as hell. I have started a list just to keep track of the factors that come into play referencing that irritation. More on that another time.

Bypassing the first four requirements of bff-dom on your list, because I am in such complete agreement with you that I feel no need to further expound on those subjects, I will move on to number five.

Let me tell you...I have a list of of family that I could rattle off in a heartbeat that reside in Dysfunction Junction. Maybe you have relatives that are neighbors of theirs?

In short let me tell you that I like your style. I would enjoy an exchange of ideas with a like- minded individual. I think you fit the bill. I haven't slept an entire night in two and a half years. Maybe that is why I have developed this outlook. Who am I trying to kid??? I have NEVER been Suzy Sunshine. If I ever meet the bitch I will knock her the hell out! Just on general principle. I cannot, nay, refuse to function without a shitload of caffeine. That again is because I haven't slept in years now. Not that I have anyone to blame other than myself. In my infinite wisdom, after raising two children to be upstanding adults (that's my story and I'm sticking to it, besides isn't "upstanding" a very subjective term?) that I believe are currently shopping a book about me. I think they call it, "She Told Us to Go Find Our REAL Mother". I decided that one more couldn't hurt. That may have been true. But God is a funny lady and gave me twins. One might not hurt but I think two might kill, given the chance--or at least duct tape me to my bed in my sleep. It's an awful realization to come to that two-year-olds can, and will, gang up on me, and win. I think that makes me a defeatist. Everyone tells me that they are adorable and precious, but no one lets them spend the night. Things that make you go HMMMM.

I would love to have a conversation that doesn't involve college tuition, bills, or Elmo. I would love to devise a plan to escape just for a day into the world of adults that I so miss. So help me MoGilly you're my only hope. Not really. You are the most appealing one though.

Thanks for listening. Hope you get in touch.
Take care,
"Diane"

MY RESPONSE:
"Diane" - Maybe if we put our heads together we can devise a plan to help you escape. Realistically though, it would probably be easier to come up with an exit strategy for the troops in Iraq than to find someone to watch your two-year olds. But, hey, we can surely give it the ol' college try -- meaning, we think on it for a couple of minutes and then try to drink each other under the table. You might not physically be able to get out of the house, but you'll be too toasted to care. :-)

"DIANE'S" REPLY:
You have no idea how great that sounds! My only fear is that the kids will learn how to tie knots while I'm passed out and I'll wake up lashed to the minivan like a deer at the height hunting season while they practice driving. I know you're laughing, but I'm telling you it's plausible. My daughter already has the nickname of Houdini.

I'm all for drinking ourselves into oblivion. Let's start a new form of MADD. We can be MAAD. Mothers All About Drinking. Let me know. Cheers!

MY RESPONSE:
I think we should charge a membership fee and then we'll be RICH. Rich, I say. I'll try to post in the morning. I've been painting the family room, getting ready for a trip to Arizona ('cause who doesn't like Arizona in the summer time???) and trying to tie up loose ends at work. I have about 48 hours in which to do so (providing I don't set aside time for sleep or procrastinating on the internet - but, really, who am I kidding?). Oh, and I'm out of birth control pills!!! CRAP! One more thing to worry about. I'll just picture twin toddlers tying me to the hood of my car and that should be enough birth control for the week. Wish me luck!