BFF Candidate "LOLA" from the Great State of Illinois

Alright, for those of you just joining in. I put an ad out for a BFF. Why? Because I type really fast and get bored really easily. To see the original personals ad, look for the blog entry entitled "MoGilly Posts an Ad in the Personals." That should catch you up. This is the correspondence between BFF candidate "LoLa" and me.

"LOLA'S" EMAIL:
Alright here goes- after sitting hour, after mindless hour, at my horrible desk job i thought i'd peruse the internet for a laugh- and actually got one i wasn't expecting- your post! thanks for that little bit of laughter. i don't have kids, i'm not a suburban mom- but i do live in a suburb and i am practically married and MY GOD i feel like i, too, am swimming upstream in an endless pool of my discontent.

just thought i'd let you know that you made a girl ready to fake appendicitis so that she can get out of work- even for a few hours- laugh.

thank you!

MY RESPONSE:
Oh grasshopper, I have soooo much to teach you.

Have we learned nothing from Ferris Bueller? Appendicitis is too involved, too complicated. We don't want to have to fake a medical bill, now do we? Tomorrow's Friday. So tomorrow, bring a few supplies to work - heating pad, Vaseline - nothing too conspicuous. Plug the heating pad in under your desk. Keep the Vaseline in your purse.

Step 1 - Don't smile at anyone when you arrive. Try to look a little pained - but don't over do it. The secret to success here is the gradual building of your progressively worsening condition.

Step 2 - If you're normally the coffee and danish kinda gal - pass. Say something like, "You know what, I think I'll pass--I'm not feeling so hot." Then swallow. Hard. NOTE: And this is very important - get out - don't hang around the break room. Get people to question why you aren't acting yourself.

Step 3 - Make sure your heating pad is plugged in under your desk. Every once in while stick your head under your desk and bury your face in said heating pad. Not too long - you don't want your co-workers to think you have some crazy bird flu or something - if that happens, that busy-body in the office will call an ambulance on your behalf. Not cool.

Step 4 - This should happen around 11 am - get the Vaseline out of your purse. Put just a little dab into the palm of your hands and rub it in to the point where your palms are just a little bit clammy. Ferris recommended licking your palms but that's sooo 1986. This is a mad, mad, germ-y world we live in so we use Vaseline.

Step 5 - With your warm face (get your neck too - people like to check your neck for some reason) and your clammy hands go to the bathroom and splash a little bit of water on your forehead (the beads of sweat effect).

Step 6 - You're almost home - Come out of the bathroom, walk by the boss's office and stumble. Hold on to a desk with your head DOWN until someone comes to your aid. Then say, "Whew. I got a little dizzy, there. I think I might need to lie down."

Step 7 - Count down from 20 to 1 and if you did everything right, you'll have your purse in hand and be heading out the door by 11:25 - Just in time for a nice lunch and a matinee.

Let me know how it goes. And in advance, you're welcome. :-)

"LOLA'S" REPLY EMAIL:
haha!!! very clever o-wise-one. however there's one key rule you're forgetting about my job, it's that..

no one gives a flying f*ck! :) the tragedies of small-corporate-hell. i am in it for the long haul this friday, i am.

(although your lesson does not fall on deaf ears, i shall try this trick on perhaps a wednesday so that i can pull it out to thursday!)

(also, it's AMAZING what having a family member working at a hospital can do. fake doctor notes work miracles, i tell you!)

(and i will probably get stepping-in-dog-poo bad karma someday for using said fake notes, but hey, i'm a risk taker!)

one thing they totally slack off on around here is the fact that
1)the big kahuna is out of town so i basically have no work to do,
2) i am SO GOOD at the layering effect* (i should trademark this) that everyone thinks i am soooo swamped and,
3) they TOTALLY have no freakin' IDEA how addicted i am to the internet! seriously. it is a major addiction of mine- there should be bloggers anonymous out there- but it passes time like no other.

so i suppose all-in-all i am a big complainer and should suck it up and deal, considering that i am left alone (except for frequent attacks from head office bitch) and will have finished my 40-hour sentence by 5pm. off to have a long island (insert wicked laughter here. thank GOD it's friday.)

hope you enjoy your end-of-the-week day as well!! o and how random is this, starting today is international pickle week. i for one, happen to have a mad love affair with dills. (not literally, get your mind out of the gutter!) have a pickletastic day!!!!

"LoLa"
-complainer aficianado

*layering effect: applies to the highly praised art of shuffling papers on ones desk at ten-minute intervals- so that any dive-bombing office bitches happening to be checking up on someone will notice that new work seems to appear, giving the effect of having done said work... when in fact, it's just been artfully layered, giving one ample time to cruise any and all blogs one can find.

NOTE FROM MOGILLY:
TORY IN ILLINOIS - ARE YOU READING THIS? i THINK I MAY HAVE FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE!