The marina in Peoria, Arizona.
Take a gander at this little foreclosure in Avondale, Arizona.
Care for a 5 bedroom foreclosure with a pool and basketball court?
How much would you pay for this sweet foreclosure?
This is the backyard of the house I wanted. Suh-weet!
Entrance to my dream subdivision - Garden Lakes in Avondale, Arizona.
Driving down the stree-heazy in Avondale, Arizona. Jealous???Hope to upload some pics soon but I've been having such a good time - I keep forgetting to take the camera out of the bag. Besides, not sure my idea of a good time would necessarily be shared by others (house hunting).
What have you all been up to while I've been enjoying the Arizona sun?
Hi all -
I'm hoping that we'll have an opportunity to go tubing down the salt river during our time here - a girlfriend back in New Mexico told me about it. Here's the link for the details on that. http://www.saltrivertubing.com/
Hi everyone. I'm still in Arizona - more on that in another post. Wanted to take the time to note the day - Memorial Day. Some of you not associated with the military may wonder why we have both a Memorial Day and a Veteran's Day.
Brief lesson: Memorial Day honors the deceased. Veteran's Day honors the living.
QUESTION: Anyone been to the Vietnam Memorial in D.C.? I went with my Mom nearly 20 years ago. It was very powerful. All those names...
Whatever happened to Janeane's stand-up? She's one of my favorite comedians. This video is about 13 years old. Some strong language so keep it waaaay down if you're watching at work.
I'm heading to Phoenix for a week. We're going to do sort of a check-it-out thing. Mike has it in his head he wants to move to Arizona.
We'll see.
Confession time: Some of you may know this, some of you may not. I have a TREMENDOUS fear of vacationing. Oh, I generally have a good time when I get to the destination; it's just the getting to the destination I have a problem with.
It's a control issue, I realize this. But the realization does not make my fear any less present.
I don't demonstrate this fear with everyone, just Mike. Oh, and his mother. His mom is a SUPER bad driver (she once drove me up on the sidewalk to, literally, drop me off at the front door of a store).
As any married woman will tell you, there comes a time in a married woman's life when, although you may have been an excellent driver in the years preceding your marriage, once the ring is on your finger, you're forever regulated to the passenger seat. I don't know why this happens, it just does. And it coincides with the transfer of title to the remote.
I don't know if these two phenomenons are symptomatic of my discontent, or a direct cause of it. But I do know this, if I am not in control, I have a tendency to hyperventilate.
So, I purchased some books.
If I can keep my nose all up in Barbara Walters Audition, I won't notice that Mike is exceeding the speed limit, weaving unnecessarily between lanes, talking on his cell phone while reaching under his seat, and following entirely too close to the car in front of us simply because the driver is a "jack-ass."
I had a couple of you offer up some book suggestions but, unfortunately, I live in a po-dunk town with one "book store" that is, in actuality, more games and dvds than books. So here's what I picked up for the trip---
1. Barbarba Walters Audition - She dishes on celebrities and that's always a good read
2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves by Lynne Truss --the "zero tolerance approach to punctuation"-- I need help in this area and this book doesn't look like it will bore the begeezus out of me
3. Grammatically Correct by Anne Stilman -- the"essential guide to punctuation"--same reason as above
4. 30 Days to a More Powerful Vocabulary --it was on the shelf with the aforementioned grammar and punctuation books and it looked lonely without them.
5. I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley - The title drew me in. It's a series of essays (which works well with my shrinking attention span). And, it's funny from the first sentence-- here's a taste:
"As most New Yorkers have done, I have given serious and generous thought to the state of my apartment should I get killed during the day. Say someone pushes me onto the subway tracks. Or I get accidentally blown up. Or a woman with a headset and a baby carriage wheels over my big toe, backing me into some scaffolding, which shakes loose a lead pipe, which lands on my skull. What then? After the ambulance, the hospital, the funeral, the trays of cheese cubes on foil toothpicks...
Back in the apartment I never should have left, the bed has gone unmade and the dishes unwashed. The day I get shot in a bodega (buying cigarettes, naturally) will in all likelihood be the day before laundry Sunday and the day after I decided to clean out my closet, got bored halfway through, and opted to watch sitcoms in my prom dress instead."
With essays entitled: Bring-Your-Machete-To-Work Day; Bastard Out of Westchester; Sign Language for Infidels; and Fuck You, Columbus--how could I go wrong?
So we leave in the AM and I'm excited because it's 6 hours of uninterrupted reading. Why uninterrupted? Because the alternative is a one-sided conversation whereby I explain to Mike what, exactly, a car length is.
My husband suffers from premature tivo-elimination. I only caught the last 30 minutes of Grey's last night. I wanted to go back and watch it today but the hubster deleted it. So was Meredith being particularly annoying for a reason??? What was that little freak-out at the end when she was at the property? So your man was late, he's a damn doctor for crying out loud. Shit happens. I don't like her. She annoys me.
REVIEW: I put an ad in the personals for a BFF. Here's the response from "Diane" in Illinois. (There are a lot of funny women in Illinois!!!) To see the original ad, check out the May blog entry entitled "MoGilly Posts an Ad in the Personals."
"DIANE'S" EMAIL TO ME:
Hey Molly!
My name is Diane and I am the mother of four. Two of them are wonderful and the jury is still out on the other two. I am married to no one, and never have been, but I still have a bad attitude about marriage. I don't own a nice house, can't afford it at this juncture (that's what I attribute my bad attitude about men to). I would like one though. No pets other than my kids. I too drive a minivan. I have become everything I pitied in my 20's. Still, I swim in discontent as well. I, however am not one to waste my time in a pool. What the hell! I have jumped with both feet into that ocean. I would like to reassure you that you don't need to have it all to wake each morning irritated as hell. I have started a list just to keep track of the factors that come into play referencing that irritation. More on that another time.
Bypassing the first four requirements of bff-dom on your list, because I am in such complete agreement with you that I feel no need to further expound on those subjects, I will move on to number five.
Let me tell you...I have a list of of family that I could rattle off in a heartbeat that reside in Dysfunction Junction. Maybe you have relatives that are neighbors of theirs?
In short let me tell you that I like your style. I would enjoy an exchange of ideas with a like- minded individual. I think you fit the bill. I haven't slept an entire night in two and a half years. Maybe that is why I have developed this outlook. Who am I trying to kid??? I have NEVER been Suzy Sunshine. If I ever meet the bitch I will knock her the hell out! Just on general principle. I cannot, nay, refuse to function without a shitload of caffeine. That again is because I haven't slept in years now. Not that I have anyone to blame other than myself. In my infinite wisdom, after raising two children to be upstanding adults (that's my story and I'm sticking to it, besides isn't "upstanding" a very subjective term?) that I believe are currently shopping a book about me. I think they call it, "She Told Us to Go Find Our REAL Mother". I decided that one more couldn't hurt. That may have been true. But God is a funny lady and gave me twins. One might not hurt but I think two might kill, given the chance--or at least duct tape me to my bed in my sleep. It's an awful realization to come to that two-year-olds can, and will, gang up on me, and win. I think that makes me a defeatist. Everyone tells me that they are adorable and precious, but no one lets them spend the night. Things that make you go HMMMM.
I would love to have a conversation that doesn't involve college tuition, bills, or Elmo. I would love to devise a plan to escape just for a day into the world of adults that I so miss. So help me MoGilly you're my only hope. Not really. You are the most appealing one though.
Thanks for listening. Hope you get in touch.
Take care,
"Diane"
MY RESPONSE:
"Diane" - Maybe if we put our heads together we can devise a plan to help you escape. Realistically though, it would probably be easier to come up with an exit strategy for the troops in Iraq than to find someone to watch your two-year olds. But, hey, we can surely give it the ol' college try -- meaning, we think on it for a couple of minutes and then try to drink each other under the table. You might not physically be able to get out of the house, but you'll be too toasted to care. :-)
"DIANE'S" REPLY:
You have no idea how great that sounds! My only fear is that the kids will learn how to tie knots while I'm passed out and I'll wake up lashed to the minivan like a deer at the height hunting season while they practice driving. I know you're laughing, but I'm telling you it's plausible. My daughter already has the nickname of Houdini.
I'm all for drinking ourselves into oblivion. Let's start a new form of MADD. We can be MAAD. Mothers All About Drinking. Let me know. Cheers!
MY RESPONSE:
I think we should charge a membership fee and then we'll be RICH. Rich, I say. I'll try to post in the morning. I've been painting the family room, getting ready for a trip to Arizona ('cause who doesn't like Arizona in the summer time???) and trying to tie up loose ends at work. I have about 48 hours in which to do so (providing I don't set aside time for sleep or procrastinating on the internet - but, really, who am I kidding?). Oh, and I'm out of birth control pills!!! CRAP! One more thing to worry about. I'll just picture twin toddlers tying me to the hood of my car and that should be enough birth control for the week. Wish me luck!
Another Extreme Home Makeover family can't afford the upkeep and puts house on the market
Here's the link to the property listing
Tragedy: Teen brother accidently runs over (and kills) adopted sister
Middle school confiscates students cell phones as nude photos of two female students are circulated
Wow. Principal quits over formation of Gay-Straight Alliance at his school. Way to wear that Bigot banner. (video)
Ellen and John McCain on the topic of gay marriage. (video)
Allow me to set the scene: Last night. My bedroom. I've just taken off my daytime t-shirt to put on my nighttime t-shirt (oh yes, I am quite the seductress). Mike is in bed watching a basketball game.
ME: hunh. I found my cell phone.
MIKE: (grunts in my general direction, acknowleding that I have spoken)
ME: Apparently, it's been in my cleavage this whole time.
MIKE: (not taking his eyes off the game) Did you say cell phone or house phone?
ME: Cell. Do you think a breast reduction might be in order when one starts losing phones in their cleavage?
MIKE: (eyes still on the game) Naaah. It was a cell phone. Anybody can lose a cell phone. When you start losing the house phone or small kitchen appliances up in there, then we'll talk.
Sorry about the poor picture quality; the room was dark. I tried to lighten the video, but didn't have much success. This is my youngest. When you hear what sounds like coughing - that's me trying to stifle my laughter. I don't know, maybe you just had to be here.
Alrighty. I just made a flickr group. Here's the address -
www.flickr.com/groups/mysuburblife
It's public so you should be able to join automatically. It's where we can post photos, video clips, etc. to get to know each other better.
I'll try to get some photos up soon on my end. Since my eldest was checking out online boobs a while back, every program, every photo, was deleted. It may take me a couple of days to find some good shots.
Denise Richards: I do not want sperm from that man
Season 4 of Mind of Mencia tonight - (video) sneak peak
Day-Care Drama - Heroic mom fights man with gun
Boy-band mogul sentenced to federal prison
Former middle school teacher convicted for slavery
What would you do if this jack-ass dated your daughter?
Don't even get me started: High failure rate for Georgia competency tests
And the Parent of the Year Award goes to...(that should be read with sarcasm, folks)
Show me LOW SELF-ESTEEM! -- Woman seduces 15-year-old co-worker to have sex with her by sending him pictures of Pam Anderson's boobies
Watching Alanis Morrissette on a tivo'd Ellen. I LOVE Alanis. I remember when Jagged Little Pill came out and Mike and I were listening to the lyrics. Mike said, "Wow! Now there's a woman with some issues." And I thought, "Wow! Now there's a woman who gets me." I LOVE her.
Here are the lyrics for the song she's singing on Ellen right now. Go ahead and digest this while I prepare some more entries for ya.
UNDERNEATH
look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
look at us rallying all our defenses
look at us waging war in our bedroom
look at us jumping ship in our dialogues
there is no difference in what we're doing in here
that doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
so why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
when we've the ultimate key to the cause right here
our underneath
look at us form our cliques in our sandbox
look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
look at us turned away from all the rough spots
look at dictatorship on my own block
there is no difference in what we're doing in here
that doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
so why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
when we've the ultimate key to the cause right here
our underneath
how I've spun my wheels with carts before my horse
when shine on the outside springs from the root
spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
this core, born into form, starts in our living room
there is no difference in what we're doing in here
that doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
so why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
when we've the ultimate key to the cause right here
our underneath
The Presidential Candidates - what their handwriting says about them
Ain't that a bitch - Employee fired for defending co-worker
Did an affair cause the breakup of Shania Twain's marriage?
Oh Boy. The problems in the R Kelly kiddie porn trial
Disney cruise heaven for kids - and parents too (I agree!!!)
Living Lohan? I can't wait!!!!
Can Alzheimers be prevented?
What the CRAP??!!! Connecticut 8th graders have sex DURING math class (video)
I have to run some errands this morning so I leave you with the following questions -
1. Who's going to be watching Idol tonight?
2. What are your opinions on the two Davids?
Tracey in Tennessee - I KNOW you have something to say about this.
To Everyone Who Watches Idol - chime in and leave your comments below.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that David Cook is the best performer that the show has seen - EVER. And it would be a travesty if he won. That's right, a travesty.
Why, you ask? I'll tell you... it's because i don't want my David to have to sell his soul and make appearances on Good Morning America singing lame-ass lyrics like,
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tatoo
I'm vomiting in my mouth as I type this.
Just like a tatoo, I'll always have you,
I'll always have you, I'll always have you
Blech! Terrible.
Archuleta (or as my son calls him, Enchilada) annoys me. Every time I see his face, I just picture him at an abstinence concert with a bunch of young folks wearing "Jesus Saves" emblazoned across their chests, swaying in time with the music with little crosses in their hands.
Not that there's anything wrong with abstinence, mind you, I've practiced it myself off and on for days at a time. I just see Archuleta as a Christian performer not an Idol.
But, with that being said, I'd rather see Archuleta win than have David Cook sell-out and be stuck with a shitty contract.
Your thoughts?
Man arrested for NJ triple homicide
Last night on the season finale of "Desperate Housewives"
What it's like growing up Bi-Polar
K-Fed's attorney talks about the custody case
Um...eeewww? Fathers and Daughters get dressed to-the-nines for "Purity" Ball
Is Brooke Hogan suffering a breakdown?
SOLD! Einstein's letter dismissing the idea of God - guess how much that letter just sold for at auction...
To catch you up - I posted a personals ad for a BFF. This is my communication with "Tory". To see the original personals ad, look in the archives under "MoGilly posts an ad in the personals."
EMAIL FROM "TORY":
I think I love you, and do humbly submit my blog as an application to be your BFF.
For your reading enjoyment, I present to you my shiteous myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/existentsialboredom
It's only funny if one can take a joke. I'm not a real stripper hater, I only play one on the internet. But the snark has got to come from someplace. Every day I thank God for reality TV and talk shows. Heh. Praise your deity of choice.
I also have to golf clap your rules. I don't have kids yet, but I fully expect my only child to see me with total disdain during her teens year, keeping the tradition alive. Its funny you mention fearing you child writing a tell-all about you. That thought has crossed my mind. But I'm a lucky gal, and my dad has agreed to publish it for me. (No shit..its true. It's the only way I'll forgive him for Christmas 1970-something when I was ROBBED of my Barbie Dream Home.) Neglectful bastards.
So, I'll have more of a read on your blog tonight with an Irish coffee. I'm looking forward to it.
Hope you are amused by the dancing yoda on my page.
Cheers and shit,
Tory
MY RESPONSE:
And I you, Tory. And I you. LOVE your myspace and the dancing yoda. You look FANTASTIC for 86 years old. How DO you do it? I'll shall peruse at my leisure when I'm wide-the-f-awake at 2:30 in the morning - like I have been for the past week, for some unexplainable reason.
And because you made me laugh out-loud, I will be posting your candidacy for BFF on the blog. Do you want me to remove your myspace address or keep it in?
"TORY'S" REPLY:
How do I do it? Ummmm... steady diet of gin and prunes. Keeps you pure on the inside.
Sure thing, add me to the blog. I'd be honored. :) I was a bad BFF applicant and forgot all that mundane shit that makes a CL friend ap worth the trouble for its audience. So here it is, the bio stats...
The basics are I'm in my 30's, married, but not chained to my husbands side all the live long day a former corp lady, but now going my own way as a recruiter. I spend most morning working my lil' butt off and afternoons with Judge Judy and Dr.Phil. I need to get out of the house more. Seriously.
Impressive, no? I figure I've been working since I was 15 so its cool to call it a day to kick it with JJ and the Doctor at 3:30.
Well, if all seems fitting to you, I say we meet for gin and prunes. It does a body good, as you can see. (And that pic is 6 years old. I'd post a new one, but that means I have to fight with my scanner, and it always wins. Bastard!)
Cheers and shizz
Tory
PS: Just curious, if your kids DID write a tell all book, what would they call it. Mine is called, "These Bitches Up in Here." Though, my father wanted me to change the premise off of them and onto my silly love life before marriage and call it "The Unworthy Interloper in the Place of Mister Right." NIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccceeeeeeee! Ok..done with the word vomit. I apologize. It's the prunes.
MY RESPONSE:
Oh I know EXACTLY what they'd call the book - my son already told me. It's going to be, "Don't Get Molested. And other useless advice my mother always gave me."
What can I say? I watch a lot of Dateline.
Personally, I'm more of an Ellen Degeneres, Oprah Winfrey kinda gal. Oprah's always been my crack. But as of late, it seems like she's just phoning it in. I'm not getting the quality shit anymore, you know? So, maybe I'll make the switch to Dr. Phil.
Okay, so I just compared the two and here's what's coming up:
On Oprah -
Mary Tyler Moore Reunion show - snoozapalooza
Want to get in touch with your soul? No, not really. We're not on speaking terms.
On Phil:
Are you secretly a prostitute? You have my attention.
Can't stop stalking an ex-lover? I'm listening.
Are you bitter and beautiful? You know me so well, Dr. Phil. Take me, I'm yours.
I'd love to get together, but I'm across the country. However, I've heard from (excluding you) four other totally cool chicks who are in the area. I'm going to try to put up that flickr thing this weekend and get you all in touch with each other.
Good morning to all of you pretending to work today. While I'm getting some delightful literary treats together for you, how 'bout you tell me what you did this weekend. Just click below where it says "comments" and fill me in on the details. I don't care how mundane you think your weekend was, you will have my full attention. :-)
People, people, people. I know you're out there but how are we supposed to become BFFS if you don't say hi?
Here's what I'm seeing on the ol' stat-counter this weekend.
In the Great State of TEXAS (where my husband and I went through basic training) - A Big HELLO to all of you reading in - HOUSTON (my biggest readership), Barker, Addison, Plano, Dallas, Garland, Haltom City, Austin, Stafford, Grand Prairie, Euless, Alief, North Richmond Hills, Irving, Humble, Keller, Midlothian, Ft Worth, Mc Neil, Pasadena
My home state of TENNESSEE
With my second highest readership coming from: KNOXVILLE, Harriman, Oak Ridge, Clinton, Hermitage, Hixson, Germantown, Kingston, Powell, and Louisville
Hello to all of you reading in GEORGIA (where I bought a house in 2001 for $75,000 - ya'll! $75,000!!!): TUCKER, Norcross, Atlanta, Smyrna, North Metro Atlanta, Decatur, Scottdale, Marietta, Kennesaw, Roswell, Powder Springs, Woodstock, Fayetteville, Riverdale
A big WHAT UP to my homies in ILLINOIS (where I worked as a nanny back in the day). Shout out to: CHICAGO, River Grove, Downers Grove, Lincolnwood, Palatine, Elmhurst, Oak Park (I had some cavier there once - no, that's not right. I was offered cavier - I chose to go to McDonalds instead), South Elgin, Cicero, Lafox, Park Ridge, Bloomingdale, Glendale Heights, Skokie (I went to the community college there, holla!), Glen Ellyn, Barrington, Elk Grove Village, Addison, Glenview, Vernon Hills
Hello to all of you currently doing time with me in NEW MEXICO - ALBUQUERQUE, Corrales, and Kirtland AFB
Shout out to the one of my favorite places to party NEVADA - VEGAS (baby!), Henderson
NEW YORK is in the house - representing in LONG ISLAND and Brooklyn
MASSACHUSETTS (i used to date a guy from Boston - couldn't understand a word he said) - Keeping it real in WILMINGTON, Lynn, and Dighton
And all the way from my birth state of CALIFORNIA we have folks checking in from: ALVISO, Van Nuys, LA, Milpitas, Yucca Valley
I've also seen a few folks peek in from: Alabama, Florida, Maryland, Virginia, Missouri, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Michigan, Ohio, New Jersey, North Carolina, Arizona, Alaska, and Delaware
Say hi! Post a comment below. Tell me what you did this weekend. It gets awfully lonely around here if I'm just talking to myself!
Mike took this picture on his way home from work. He swears he had nothing to do with it.
So I just got off the phone with my parents. Mom called to thank me for the Mother's Day basket that arrived today. Yes, I know it's late but I set expectations low early on. It's really just an honor to be acknowledged by me.
Here's the conversation. Enjoy.
MOM: I got your Mother's Day basket today...
ME: You like?
MOM: Oh yes. And I'm sharing it with your Father, since he had a role in my being a mother.
ME: That's nice.
DAD: She gave me 4 damn peanuts and a wafer!
MOM: Well, I thought it should be proportionate to your role...
DAD: Christ! (click)
Why did I ever move away from home???? :-)
Alright, for those of you just joining in. I put an ad out for a BFF. Why? Because I type really fast and get bored really easily. To see the original personals ad, look for the blog entry entitled "MoGilly Posts an Ad in the Personals." That should catch you up. This is the correspondence between BFF candidate "LoLa" and me.
"LOLA'S" EMAIL:
Alright here goes- after sitting hour, after mindless hour, at my horrible desk job i thought i'd peruse the internet for a laugh- and actually got one i wasn't expecting- your post! thanks for that little bit of laughter. i don't have kids, i'm not a suburban mom- but i do live in a suburb and i am practically married and MY GOD i feel like i, too, am swimming upstream in an endless pool of my discontent.
just thought i'd let you know that you made a girl ready to fake appendicitis so that she can get out of work- even for a few hours- laugh.
thank you!
MY RESPONSE:
Oh grasshopper, I have soooo much to teach you.
Have we learned nothing from Ferris Bueller? Appendicitis is too involved, too complicated. We don't want to have to fake a medical bill, now do we? Tomorrow's Friday. So tomorrow, bring a few supplies to work - heating pad, Vaseline - nothing too conspicuous. Plug the heating pad in under your desk. Keep the Vaseline in your purse.
Step 1 - Don't smile at anyone when you arrive. Try to look a little pained - but don't over do it. The secret to success here is the gradual building of your progressively worsening condition.
Step 2 - If you're normally the coffee and danish kinda gal - pass. Say something like, "You know what, I think I'll pass--I'm not feeling so hot." Then swallow. Hard. NOTE: And this is very important - get out - don't hang around the break room. Get people to question why you aren't acting yourself.
Step 3 - Make sure your heating pad is plugged in under your desk. Every once in while stick your head under your desk and bury your face in said heating pad. Not too long - you don't want your co-workers to think you have some crazy bird flu or something - if that happens, that busy-body in the office will call an ambulance on your behalf. Not cool.
Step 4 - This should happen around 11 am - get the Vaseline out of your purse. Put just a little dab into the palm of your hands and rub it in to the point where your palms are just a little bit clammy. Ferris recommended licking your palms but that's sooo 1986. This is a mad, mad, germ-y world we live in so we use Vaseline.
Step 5 - With your warm face (get your neck too - people like to check your neck for some reason) and your clammy hands go to the bathroom and splash a little bit of water on your forehead (the beads of sweat effect).
Step 6 - You're almost home - Come out of the bathroom, walk by the boss's office and stumble. Hold on to a desk with your head DOWN until someone comes to your aid. Then say, "Whew. I got a little dizzy, there. I think I might need to lie down."
Step 7 - Count down from 20 to 1 and if you did everything right, you'll have your purse in hand and be heading out the door by 11:25 - Just in time for a nice lunch and a matinee.
Let me know how it goes. And in advance, you're welcome. :-)
"LOLA'S" REPLY EMAIL:
haha!!! very clever o-wise-one. however there's one key rule you're forgetting about my job, it's that..
no one gives a flying f*ck! :) the tragedies of small-corporate-hell. i am in it for the long haul this friday, i am.
(although your lesson does not fall on deaf ears, i shall try this trick on perhaps a wednesday so that i can pull it out to thursday!)
(also, it's AMAZING what having a family member working at a hospital can do. fake doctor notes work miracles, i tell you!)
(and i will probably get stepping-in-dog-poo bad karma someday for using said fake notes, but hey, i'm a risk taker!)
one thing they totally slack off on around here is the fact that
1)the big kahuna is out of town so i basically have no work to do,
2) i am SO GOOD at the layering effect* (i should trademark this) that everyone thinks i am soooo swamped and,
3) they TOTALLY have no freakin' IDEA how addicted i am to the internet! seriously. it is a major addiction of mine- there should be bloggers anonymous out there- but it passes time like no other.
so i suppose all-in-all i am a big complainer and should suck it up and deal, considering that i am left alone (except for frequent attacks from head office bitch) and will have finished my 40-hour sentence by 5pm. off to have a long island (insert wicked laughter here. thank GOD it's friday.)
hope you enjoy your end-of-the-week day as well!! o and how random is this, starting today is international pickle week. i for one, happen to have a mad love affair with dills. (not literally, get your mind out of the gutter!) have a pickletastic day!!!!
"LoLa"
-complainer aficianado
*layering effect: applies to the highly praised art of shuffling papers on ones desk at ten-minute intervals- so that any dive-bombing office bitches happening to be checking up on someone will notice that new work seems to appear, giving the effect of having done said work... when in fact, it's just been artfully layered, giving one ample time to cruise any and all blogs one can find.
NOTE FROM MOGILLY:
TORY IN ILLINOIS - ARE YOU READING THIS? i THINK I MAY HAVE FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE!
Congratulations! Ellen and Portia to marry
The Lane Bryant murder scene
Elementary school teachers save man from burning house
With so many mouths to feed - where does a Polygamist sect get their money?
Florida girl turns to Youtube for help after alleged rape
The incredible shrinking house - new trends in new construction
So, I thought I'd add a fun section to the site. This is where you can send in your (legitimate) questions and have a sounding board. We'll start with Mama and then we can all put our input in the comments section below.
Mama is my mother. She's 64 and has been described by some as a real Renaissance woman. She was a go-go dancer on the Hollywood strip in the '60s. She's been a card-carrying feminist since the '50s. She was a member of the NAACP in the '80s. She's worked with abused children (not including myself). She's been married to the same man for 40 years this September. She's worked as an investigator for Affirmative Action issues and now she's a la-ti-da consultant for some mucky-muck corporate attorneys in Tennessee. She scoffs at the description of "crazy" preferring the term"eccentric" instead. She's the woman who put the "fun" in dysfunctional. And she is now taking your questions.
This one comes from "Kevin" in Texas...
"I've been married, with kids for 17 years and am reaching that pinnacle in parenthood and relationship where everything seems to be a rerun. So I guess I'm trying to create something other than a sequel, maybe a prequel? OK, I know you can't go back, there's no do over, so how do I jump start things and journey back to the road of happiness? Or is that never never land??"
MAMA SAYS:
"Kevin" - Get a sitter to take the kids on an overnight. If possible, don't let your spouse know ahead of time. If she works out of the home, get home before her. If she doesn't, send her to a friend's, family, or the store for an hour or so (since you have kids, just getting out of the house without them for a brief space of time can be exhilarating). Have the bedroom, kitchen, bath and living room looking spiffy by the time she returns (hire a maid or swap abilities with a friend if you can't do it yourself). Have some clean, romantic smelling candles going in those rooms. Maybe some bubble bath on the side of the tub (no, the kids' bubble bath doesn't count) along with a big, fluffy towel that doesn't smell like old tennis shoes. Surprise her with a meal she doesn't have to cook (or clean up). Lean Cuisine spaghetti slid onto a clean plate after cooking will work if you serve it with a glass of wine. Now here's the part that really works: ask her about her day and just listen! Don't jump in to solve her problems, she can probably do that on her own. Look into her eyes and watch her facial features as she talks. Share your day with her. Ask her opinion on things (then don't say how dumb they are if she shares them). Let her know on a daily basis how special she is: say 'please' and 'thank you' just as though she were a real person. Don't introduce her to others as 'so-and-so's mom' or 'my wife.' Introduce her by saying something like, "and here is the most important person in my life, Stella" (obviously, don't use Stella if her name is Mildred). Call her and talk sexy from time to time or just to say "I was thinking about you." Scratch her back without being asked, rub her feet. Take a dancing class together (many community colleges offer evening classes, and the tango is hot!). In other words, act like this is one unique, sexy lady and you can't wait to find out more about her. Seventeen years, huh? But I bet you can still remember what dating was like, right? Keeping the romance in the relationship is relatively easy when you treat your spouse like you want to be treated. For good advice, the good old golden rule just can't be beat. --Mama
Did Mama offer "Kevin" good advice? Do you have something you want to add? Post your comments below.
Can you say 'ostentatious', boys and girls? Trump estate sells for $100 million.
Angelina Jolie having twins
Girl escapes attacker by BITING OFF PART OF HIS WEE-WEE!
How NOT to be selected for the R Kelly kiddie porn trial
Children's remains and the 100-year-old murder mystery
Did you see what happened on American Idol last night?
Woman falls overboard on cruise ship - what the hell was she doing???
Anchorwoman drops the "f-bomb" live on air
This just in...my nephew has graduated from Kindergarten!!!! That's my nephew on the right - the one having the Heimlich Maneuver performed on him by an overly exuberant 6-year-old. Apparently, that's a requirement now to move on to first grade - know your letters, know your numbers, perform the Heimlich Maneuver and, time permitting, knock out a tracheotomy or two. Kindergarten is sooo much more cerebral than when we were kids. Sadly, paste eating is no more!
How 'old school' is this? The gym looks exactly the same. The wood floors, the grey, wooden bleachers. It's just like when when I went to school there some 30+ years ago. Do you think they kept it this way to memorialize me? A tribute, so to speak? How did they know I'd become who I am today? I'm touched. I feel truly honored. But this shouldn't be about me, it's about my nephew...lil' whatshisface.
Actually, we call lil' whathisface A.J. but after seeing these photos we might want to start calling him 'Playa' or 'LL Cool A.'
Yo, Yo, Yo. What up, ya'll? Ladies Love Cool A. We outta here. PEACE! EMAIL FROM ANONYMOUS in GA: Couldn't help but wonder how dysfunctional u might be :-)
MY RESPONSE: Lol. :-) You're quite insightful. I'm extremely screwed up - did you see the picture of my mother? Now, picture that woman married to an ultra-conservative Republican. Can you imagine the turmoil that existed in my childhood?
NOTE: picture of Mom can be found under "Happy Mother's Day" blog entry
Here's some correspondence between BFF candidate "Tiffany" (from Georgia) and myself. What'd ya think, she in?
"TIFFANY'S" EMAIL to ME: I read your ad and i just laughed and laughed. My name is "Tiffany" and I have two girls 6 and 7 months. I just broke up with my longtime boyfriend/fiance and I have just relocated to Georgia. People describe me as sarcastic and cynical but in a good way (whatever that means) i like to have a good time usually at the expense of others. I've also have been told that i give great advice despite my age. basically whenever one of my "friends" calls i answer with "whats wrong" because they only call me when they want my opinion. so enough about tales of my mediocre friends and my sarcastic nature....how are you?
MY RESPONSE: Hi "Tiffany" :-)
Yea! You sound sane!!! That's an excellent quality in a BFF. I hope you had a fabulous Mother's Day. Me, I got chased out of the bedroom early in the morning thanks to the odoriferous smell emanating from my husband's general direction. I fixed breakfast for me and the kids- deciding to let the smelly man starve. Then, I painted the family room. And later, I showed remarkable restraint when my husband dumped a load of laundry on the couch and said, "here you go."
I love my husband, I swear I do, I just don't remember why. ;-)
Because I'm a military spouse, we're always moving so it's difficult to make new friends. At some point you just want to throw up your hands and say screw it, I'm destined to mutter to myself so I should probably get started on that drinking habit right about now.
I'm hoping the blog will develop a readership of like-minded women with friendships that cross state lines. A national network, so to speak, of BFFS.
So are you in hotlanta? We used to live in Cochran, GA a few years back. Hot, sticky, muggy. Found a rat snake in my house - nearly pissed myself. And the day we put our house on the market (with our first open house) there was a half burned body found across the street. So that was nice.
So, where'd you move from? How do the girls like the new locale?
"TIFFANY'S" EMAIL TO ME: HA HA!! Yes, sanity should be a prerequisite when applying for the position as BFF! My youngest is basically a sack of potatoes with a smile so she doesn't know the difference. My oldest got an awesome welcome to Georgia initiation. WELCOME TO GEORGIA: *SPLAT* she falls off the monkey bars shatters her elbow and has to have surgery. Just what I always wanted-- two kids to wait on hand and foot.
Mother's Day was like any other day for me. I changed diapers and counted the number of times my oldest had a tantrum over absolutely nothing. (I think I counted 6 that day)
We are originally from Chicago. After my fiance or "common law husband" was caught cheating on me throughout my pregnancy I decided to take the opportunity to move far far away.
How old are your children?
MY RESPONSE: What a bag of douche, that guy. I hope you severed a testicle as a souvenier of time served.
I used to live in Chicago - actually, it was Evanston. I was a nanny there when I was about 19. Great family, pretty sure they had ties to the mob, though. FBI showed up at the house my first day on the job asking what I knew about the neighbors. The family eventually moved to Lake Forest and I moved back to Tennessee - missed my own family.
I have two boys ages 14 and 9. My eldest wants to be a stand-up comedian. I don't get his humor but he kills with the elementary crowd. My youngest wants to be a baseball player. Fortunately, neither one of them are planning on going into a career field where their grades are going to have any significant impact on their future.
Sorry to hear about your daughter's injury. I am not good with emergencies. Mother-of-the Year that I am, I'd be like, "Are you bleeding? Then you're fine. Shake it off." And if it was all mangled, I'm pretty sure I'd pass out. But I'm not a totally irresponsible mom, I keep emergency numbers in my purse should my kids need to call an ambulance for themselves.
So "Tiff," to keep things entertaining, I'd like to post portions of our correspondence on the site - you cool with that? I won't put anything on there, you don't want anyone to read.
"TIFFANY'S" EMAIL TO ME: Yea, thats cool with me. I haven't sent you any nude photo's or discussed my unuasul crush on Alton Brown with you so I have no problem with it.
Note from MoGilly: I definitely think "Tiffany" is BFF material. And you? Post your comments below.
Coming soon to FOX - rich folk sent to the ghetto to live (undercover) amongst the poor on a teeny-tiny budget
Teenager elected Mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma
This ten-year-old has an A-plus average and, oh yeah, he's a sophmore in college
What the crap happened to Colin Farrell? Honey, EAT something!
Deadly tornadoes and the heroes born from the wreckage
Spoiler alert for the season finale of "Lost" or what I like to call "What the hell?"
A mother's unbelievable grief - daughter murdered, son killed in car accident as he rushes to his mother's side
So I saw this post on Dooce.com and thought I'd try it out.
Word Time = a flickr group where people upload video of themselves reading a list of assigned words.
Show of hands for the proposed group motto -- "When mocking someone in person, just isn't good enough."
Here's my sitch - Displaced southern girl who spent 7 years of her childhood in speech therapy. Words like stethoscope and rural do not come easy. Married to a man who refuses to believe that ya'll is a word and needs a translator every time he ventures south of the Mason-Dixon line.
I did this video with the hubster. He won't show his face on camera - he's from Connecticut, ya'll.
So, I posted a personal ad online - here's how it reads. I'll keep you updated on the responses I get. If you'd like to be one of my BFF's, be sure to Holla at me on my BFF Map.
My name is Molly and I've been married to the military for 15 years. I have two wonderful kids, a golden lab, a nice house, and I drive a minivan. Yet, I swim upstream in an Endless Pool of my discontent.
I’m seeking women, like myself, who seemingly have it all, but wake each morning, irritated as hell, and can’t figure out why. If you’re sarcastic and witty and enjoy the occasional surly attitude, you’re my kind of people and I invite you to be my BFF. Check me out at http://www.mysuburblife.com/
But first, here’s what I’m NOT looking for:
1. If you’re a blissfully happy woman who likes to regale folks with stories of her man’s marathon lovemaking, then you’re either delusional or just plain spiteful, and you cannot be my friend.
2. If your kids are on the honor roll and would never dream of embarrassing you in public, don’t waste my time. You cannot be my friend
3. If you have NEVER once worried about your kids writing a tell-all about you, you’re a LIAR. And you cannot be my friend.
4. If you’ve ever used the word ‘Jesus’ in a sentence and it was in no way blasphemous, let me be clear, you scare me. And you cannot be my friend.
5. If I ask you who is the most f’d-up dysfunctional person in your family and it takes you more than two seconds to answer, then YOU’RE the most f’d-up dysfunctional person in your family and, I’m sorry, but I cannot get sucked into the vortex of your black hole of crazy. So, please, move along. I won’t be calling you my friend.
If, after reading the above, you’re still with me – you might just be BFF material and I invite you to get to know me better at http://www.mysuburblife.com/
Mothers: Try salary.com's calculator to determine what your work is worth
Where's Ashton Kutcher when you need him? JetBlue Pilot makes passenger sit on the toilet
German archaeologists and the discovery of Biblical porportions
Vomitous! And yet another reason I don't want to live in Florida: take a look at what some idiot pet owners have released into the Everglades
What are fashion designers doing with discarded candy wrappers?
R Kelly's trial - who's on the jury?
Survey says: 1 in 3 married moms getting booty on the side. Alright girlfriends, Which one of you bitches has something to tell me?!
Just curious: would you let your daughter go to the prom in this dress?
Tom Cruise Hitler movie has "all sorts of problems" - will it be scraped altogether?
What did Archuleta's Dad do to get the boot on Idol?
Hormonal teenage girls blow up a girl's house after arguing about a boy (video)
Last night on 60 Minutes: What Alec Baldwin had to say about his daughter, his ex-wife, and others
The kid who played young Forest Gump - guess what he's been up to?
Jury selection begins in R. Kelly's kiddie porn trial
Newsweek reports on 5 Scandalous high school cheerleaders in Texas
'La-ti-da' home owners in the Hamptons facing foreclosure
The new exercise craze - it's not your mama's jazzercise
