FAMILY STUFF: Dinner Conversation

Anyone who knows my family knows you don't visit with Bill and Gail and talk politics. My parents were super-involved in civic organizations when I was growing up. Mom was a political science major. When we sat down at the dinner table we talked about current events. But the standing joke about my parents is that you never bring up politics when company is present.

You see, Dad is a Republican Conservative. Mom is a Liberal Democrat. And as a result, their children are Confused Dysfunctionals.

When my sister and I would invite friends over, before they could meet the parentals, we had to first ensure that our friends went through the necessary briefing:

"Don't say anything about Vietnam--"

"Why would I say anything about Vietnam?"

"Because it always comes back to Vietnam. Trust me. Say nothing. You have no opinion on the subject. If they ask, the correct response is, 'I'm really not educated enough on the subject to make an informed opinion'."

"O-kaaay."

"And don't bring up Iran-Contra."

"What's Iran-Contra?"

-- Silence --

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."

"Say what?"

"Just--change the subject if it should come up. Tell them you have irritable bowel."

"I'm not going to tell your parents that!"

"It's a conversation stopper."

"I bet it is! But I'm not saying it."

"They always do."

"Who's they?"

"The others."

"What oth-"

"And for Gods sake, don't mention George W."

"Well, gee, Molly, is there anything I can talk about with your parents."

"Of course! Here, I've taken the liberty of making you a list of 'safe' topics. I want you to know, however, if things should get out of hand, you should get under the dining room table until I've given you the all clear."

"There's only two things on this list! How am I supposed to spend the whole night talking about horticulture and the weather?"

"Did I put the weather on there? Geezus! Take that off!"

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So, that's what it was like growing up in the Sewell household. Which is why I am soooo glad my parents were not at my dinner table last night because here's how that conversation went.

I want to preface this by saying, my eldest son has a terrific dry wit and he's a genius when it comes to computers but when it comes to general academics, there's not a whole lot going on there (bless his heart)...

Matt (14): We're learning about government in school.

Me: Oh, yeah? What are you learning?

Matt: The three parts of government.

Mike: You mean branches.

Matt: Yeah, branches. There's the legislative...the uh...the uh...

Me: Executive--

Matt: Yeah, Executive. And the uh...the uh...

Me: The ju--

Matt: The ju...the judy-cull!

Me: The what?

Matt: The judy-cull. You know, the judy-cull.

Nolan(9): You mean judicial.

Matt: Judy-cull, judicial, same diff.

Mike: Nooo, no it isn't.

Me: So what can you tell me about the branches of government? Who makes up the Executive?

Nolan: The President!

Me: I'm talking to your brother.

Matt: The President.

Me: Who makes up the Judicial?

Nolan: The Supreme Court and the federal courts!

Mike: Nolan! She's talking to your brother.

Matt: The Supreme Court and the...federal courts?

Me: Who makes up the Legislative? And I'm asking Matthew only...

Matt: Not a clue.

Nolan: I know! I know!

Mike: Nolan--

Me: C'mon. Think about it. Legislative. Legislation...laws...anything?

...

...

Matt: Still nothin'.

Mike: Were you there for the entire class?

Matt: Ye-aah.

Me: Then what can you tell us?

Matt: Well, we learned about that building.

(Mike is now rolling his eyes and having a private conversation with God)

Me: What building?

Matt: You know the one...the building...there...in Washington. The one that looks like a boob.

(Mike's head slumps forward)

Mike: (muttering) Oh, my dear Lord.

Me: What are you talking about Matt?

Matt: You know, from the sky, if you look down, the building, it looks like a giant boob.

Mike: The Capitol building, Matthew?

Matt: Yeah, I guess.

Me: (hopeful) And what takes place at the Capitol building? What branch of government is there?

Matt: I d'know.

-- Silence --

Mike: I want you boys to clear your place. And, Matthew, I want you to bring me your homework.

Matt: Okay. Why?

Mike: Just do it.

The boys leave the room. And Mike's eyes widen. "Oh...my...GOD, Molly! There's something wrong with that boy."

"Well, look on the bright side, we're going to save a bunch of money on college."